Has the inevitable pain of saying goodbye come? I sit here, waiting for you to talk to me again and tell me what is it that you want me to know. If you won’t tell me right now, I might as well wait until this month ends before I ask you again…
I have a lot of questions to ask. A lot of things I would like to say. But why must you prolong the agony? If it’s something that will cause pain, then say it to me now so I can start figuring out where, when and how I should start moving on.
I’m thinking if I should let you read this now. Thinking really hard if I should let you in to what I’ve been through for the past, more or less two years. But if I let you read everything I wrote here, then that means I would stop writing about you - about what I feel about you, about how hard I pray that we could actually be together one day.
Flynn, what is it?
I’m still up and awake. Idk if it’s because of these hormones that are acting up that I feel so sad and insecure, but I opted to write you instead.
I want to send you a quick message. I want to let you know that “I miss you” and when you said you would make up for lost time after your boards, I hoped deep in my heart you will stick with what you said. I always tell myself never to expect and hope too much from you, but I always end up doing it.
I don’t want to message you first bec I figured, if you really wanted to talk to me, you would. Even if you’re busy. Even if there are a lot of things more important than sending me even just a quick message. I don’t want to message you first bec I don’t want to come out so clingy. I don’t want to message you first bec I always wait for you to make the first move. Every single day.
Dear, I am torn. Lately, I’ve been struggling through a lot of things. I pray, always. Ask Him for grace and strength. And then thoughts of you suddenly come up and I just don’t get it how you can always calm me.
I wish I could hug you right now.
I’m posting this here because this really made me happy.
To the sweetest girl ive ever met in my life, i just want to say that im blessed to have you. :)
I never did deem myself as someone sweet. All I say, all I write, everything’s just out of the genuine sentiments I have for you. And I see myself as blessed for having a guy encourage me to have a deeper relationship with God.
despite of my inconsistency due to nba, hangouts with friends, etc, you still stick around for me.
I know no other way to put this than no matter what happens, I will always have your back.
I really pray na matuloy na talaga ikaw sa Manila. That’s actually number one sa prayer list ko.
I pray without ceasing everyday. For what God’s will is for me regarding this. I’ve prayed for you the same way for your board exam.
I’m really praying for you, my dear :)
I’ve prayed, have been praying and will be praying for you just as much.
you’re my bliss.
And this just gave it all away…
It was your birthday, and yet the lengthy message I sent you cannot even coompare to this slightly shorter message and yet it made me feel like it was my day.
Dear, I pray for my career, I pray for God’s will for me. For us. And no mattter how I try to turn the whole world upside down, or inside out, I will always have these special feelings for you. I’m still hoping for a chance.
I haven’t written for quite some time again. Been really busy with a lot of things lately. And all the thoughts I have about you seem to be so fleeting but lengthy. When I face the screen to type it all out, I am at a loss for words.
First of all, I want to tell you how happy I am for you that your prayer was answered. Only a few days more and all the struggling with the exams will be over soon. All the hard work you did would pay off, and you’ll soon realize it was all worth it!
It’s been a month since the first time I actually had the chance to talk you in person. And as I said, I have this bad habit of remembering everything. I remember every minute detail from when the concert ended to when you said goodbye that night. I couldn’t help but think that this was Taylor Swift’s Enchanted enacted in real life. It was a night I just couldn’t forget.
Flynn, I know you’re really busy with your exams and all and I know they are your priority. That’s one of the things I really admire about you. Your focus and your determination in doing something so vital, so important to you. No matter what happens, no matter what the result is, I’m still here for you.
It has been four months since I last wrote you a letter. Four months of uncertainty. You know, four months of just waiting around till when we get to talk. Your call whether or not we will.
I wrote to tell you that I’m terrified.
I’m terrified of what might possibly happen when, after two long years, I finally get to see you again in person. I’m terrified of what I might possibly say when I see you face to face. I’m terrified of messing it all up with whatever foolishness I might probably do.
I pray God give me the wisdom I need to act the way I need to act to you. I hope that this “meeting” be the start of something certain, permanent and not dwindling.
I want to cry.
I want to pour all these emotions out until there’s not a bit of sadness left. I did the best I could but why does it always feel that I’ll never be good enough for you? Will I ever be?
I was more than thankful when you told me that you received the parcel. You asked me, “Why do you care so much?” And I was left dumbfounded. I asked myself that question. A lot of times, really. But the answer stays the same: I don’t even know. The answer is as certain as your space in my heart - despite the pain, the tears and the sadness - despite everything.
Flynn, what is there to this? Why can’t I boost you up? I know, it’s not my job. I know, it’s not up to me anyway. But I’m trying my very best to be of help. Why do you keep pushing me away?
Everyday, I pray, with all my heart, that the Lord help you overcome whatever’s causing you this uncertainty, this ill-feeling, all this negativity. Everyday, I hope, with all my heart, that the Lord lead you to the right path for His righteousness’ sake. Everyday.
Flynn, what is there to this?
What am I to you?
Empty, this chair would
not be, when the day comes I
say, “Love, finally.”
The thing I have feared since that night you said sorry happened… again. I’m saying again because this is the way things have always been. I’m saying again because I’m here trying to figure things out, trying to figure you out. This is me trying to get out of my comfort zone for you. Me always, and I say always waiting for you.
Two nights ago, you became unsure of all the efforts you’ve put up with trying to get right with Him. Something inside me told me, “Here we go again.” And I thought that this change was for good. That it meant you were once again becoming a part of my everyday life… again. And I say again because you never left my mind since then. You don’t know how much space I have in my heart for you. And how alright it was for me to suppress it again and let this friendship start off the way it should have had before. I’d gladly shove away all the sentiments I feel and all the thoughts I’ve come up with… with one message, one hi, one hello.
Today, I went out of my way to do something “big” for you. It might be strange to receive something from me two or more days from now, but I hope that you’d at least appreciate the effort I’ve put into it.
I sat alone at that cafe while trying to pick up all the fragments of the words I want to tell you. I was imagining you were there, at that moment, but it wasn’t of any help at all. I tried to hold back my tears and whispered everything to the Lord in prayer because it was three o’clock. And it was our prayer time.
Slowly, I took a piece of the paper I just bought and tried to draft something without writing your name first. I swear, I felt tears well up my eyes, but no, they didn’t fall. This is me being concerned. This is me trying to put away all the deep feelings I have for you and overpowering it with friendship as hard as I can. I tried to keep it as friendly as possible, without any intention to scare you off or to make things more awkward.
"Remember when I said that I feel so useless whenever I can’t help you when you feel down and that the only thing I could do is pray? Well, this is me doing something else about it."
This is me doing something about it. This is me, being your friend, and trying to help you out in watching out for your faith and relationship with Him. This is me, loving you in silence but I pray that if things don’t go the way I think it would be, if you don’t receive the parcel, if it doesn’t give you even a tidbit of hope, that God grant me the strength to accept that maybe you’re not really for me. That all the waiting around for you whenever you decide to come back is in vain. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be for a while, but it was meant to be, for now.
God has plans, Flynn. And if one day He puts us both in the situation wherein any of us realize that we were meant to be just friends, I pray He gives us both the strength to carry on and live our lives the way He’s planned it out. But if that day comes, I will look back with joy, on how you have been used by Him to encourage me and change me. I will look back without regret, that there was a point in time in our lives where we both mattered.
Because you will always be my Flynn.
And I will forever hold on to your words that I will always be your…
If it’s not with me
what then fills all the spaces
hiding inside you?"
— Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson
What if I didn’t meet you that day?
What if I decided not to come to camp two years ago and just stayed at home or made myself busy in school?
What if I did and yet I never noticed you?
What if you never sat near me during the third night to whisper the answer which I didn’t hear?
What if you never looked at me while you led the campers to sing?
What if you weren’t holding your sister’s phone that night I sent a group message?
What if you did but you never bothered to text me?
What if I didn’t meet you that day?
Would I ever be this way?
Can I just please say how happy I am when you told me last Saturday night how thankful you are for having me in your life and how blessed you are to have me? All the more when you said I’m someone you can’t afford to lose.
Flynn, I do not know what’s happening right now. I have to be honest that I am afraid what happened January of last year will happen again. But I’m entrusting all my fears to God and asking Him to convert this into strength and patience. Everything has a reason. Everything that happened, happens and will happen are all for our own good.
So I continue to pray for you. With hopes that maybe this time, we’re getting this right. I have learned to seek God first and put Him above anything else that He may grant me the desires of my heart as long as it is in line with His will.
Hold on, Flynn. Someday, we’ll know what we’re really supposed to be.